All I Want for Christmas ...

is you.


Yes, Christmas is that time of year with cozy nights full of fires, blankets and, if I have it my way... hot chocolate laced with Kahlua, yummmmm. But I can say how excited I am to spend the holiday with my other half and his family.

I worked really hard to find the perfect presents for everyone. And hopefully (*crosses fingers*) I will be off work in time to get to them without it being retarded-ly late. Because, that would suck. But that is not really in my control... it depends on how the shoppers treat our store tomorrow and what the corp offices tell us we HAVE to do..... ugh, tooo many variables.

Also, it is setting in that spending the holiday with him and his family may or may not be kind of a big deal... I mean, it's Christmas, lots of families have their own set of traditions and ways of doing things. And, well, I don't want to intrude on that (and technically I'm not, they did invite me). And I am like 100000 percent sure that I am worrying a bit too much about all of this...

OH, and, I am a serious gift-giver. I pride myself on the ability to pick out the right gifts. And this season, well... My ideas were to big. And I couldn't find things I was looking for, and did all my backup shopping yesterday. Yeah, I put it off, only because I kept looking for the unfindable items. But the back up items don't suck. IN FACT I think they may be just as good as the original ideas, but... I'm just afraid they wont be liked. And thusly, I wont be liked. anymore. :(
That last statement just proves I am worrying too much.

SO.
On those notes.
I wish everyone a happy holiday and prolly wont be back writing till after the new year :)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Waiting Game

I feel lame not knowing the (exact) last time I saw my boyfriend.
I mean sure, I can ball park it, and say like 2weeks or something. But I'd much rather like to be specific.
I also feel lame knowing this is the longest the two of us have been apart from eachother.
True, maybe things like this will make us stronger as a couple. Maybe seeing eachother all the time is over-rated (yeah... right.)
And I know the reason for this time apart is completely legit. He had finals and graduation stuff to worry about and I have work (retail during the holiday season... yep). And both of us were stressed out about last couple weeks. Maybe the stress could have been lessened if we were together. Maybe that would have been worse... Who knows.

I just know, that I am lucky.
That even through all the little fights, the big misunderstandings and all the other relationship landmines we have so far tread across; we have come out on top. Together. And possibly stronger.

And for as much as I love my alone time. And as much as I need alone time.
There are times I need him more. Because he has done what none of the others have done which is weather my storm, embrace my flaws and continue loving me for me through it all.

I miss him.
I love him.
And I am T-30 hours away from seeing him. The only thing between me and him is work, a couple hours sleep, work again... and then my drive to him.

So... yeah.
All of that.

I should...

I should write a retraction for my last entry.
But that seems a little silly.
Since I posted that, the issue has since been resolved.
AND yes, it has really been resolved.
Misunderstandings cleared up. Apologies given and received and accepted.

I am actively refusing to give out any details besides that.

That being said. I have to share something, right.
Right.

This is what I want to share.
I really love the holidays. I love the cold. I love the snow. I love the lights everywhere. Everything seems a little more romantic, a little more special.

I like the idea of kisses stolen in nooks under mistletoe. I like the idea of walking hand in hand through a winter wonderland. I like the idea of decorating a tree together. I like the idea of keeping secrets about presents.
Is this cheesy... probably.
Is this lame... maybe.

but i have never been more excited about sharing a holiday with my other half than I am this time around.

Cardinal Rule of Relationships

Thou shalt not ask for what thy can't provide...

Not that long ago, I asked my boyfriend for more communication. More communication specifically about going out. This was after an unfortunate incident where the lack of communication caused me to become very hurt and very upset (I wont repeat the incident, but lets just say... ya know, lets just say, things were not said and I took it personally).

I knew when I asked to be more informed, I would have to do the same. I was and am prepared to do so.
But what happens when what I communicated isn't enough or wasn't the requisite information.

Last night I went out with a (girl) co-worker (who has a boyfriend). We met up and had a couple of beers. I told him I was having a beer (to me, that implies out somewhere that is not my domicile). I will own that I should have been more specific, and should have clarified that I was going out with a co-worker. But I didn't. TO ME I didn't need to clarify. I was going out with a co-worker (she is someone I have mentioned repeatedly) for a couple of drinks (a couple turned into a few more than planned) and to get to know eachother outside the confines of work. Also, because we were going to a bar she works at (she works at the bar part time) and it wasn't like we were trolling for dick... well, you get it by now.

I wasn't trying to leave my boyfriend out of the loop. I wasn't trying to pull some kind of fast one on him. What I was trying to do was become friends with someone so I can have more than just work and my boyfriend in my life (not to diss my bf or my job. I love him. I love my job. But everyone needs a couple of friends who live in city they live to hang out with).

IN ALL REALITY (and you can ask my co-worker) it slipped my mind. I always tell him when I am working, when I get off work and send tons of messages detailing the shit I do during the day. And the one time I do something I don't normally do (go out with out him) I didn't tell him. I am so used to him being with me, doing things with me, this one slipped.

And there is a part of me that is very sorry for what I accidentally did.
BUT then, there is the part of me that got hurt when he left me out that is now angry at him for acting this way. I KNOW what I did was not a form of payback or some childish way to get back at him. I would never intentionally hurt him like that. I love him way too much for that. But I am sure he is looking at it like it is a childish act of retaliation. This part of me thinks its insane that (to me) he is playing both sides of the card a) he gets to be offended when I got upset the first time and b) he gets upset again now because of something I accidentally did. If I was truly being childish, I would hang onto that and use that to drive my side of the argument. But, that's not how I feel, that's not who I am and that is NOT what I want to do. I want to be adult and talk it out. Work through it.

Julia Child Did Not Write for the Single Burner Kitchen

Chicken Paprikash Recipe
Print Options

Ingredients

* 1 whole chicken (about 3 1/2 pounds), cut into 8 pieces
* 1 Tbsp butter, softened
* 1 garlic clove, crushed
* 2 large onions, thinly sliced
* 1 Tbsp sweet Hungarian paprika
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/4 cup chicken broth
* 2 Tbsp sour cream

Method

chicken-paprikash-2.jpg
1 Preheat oven to 450°F. Pat chicken dry with paper towels. Mix butter with garlic. Use fingertips to spread mixture underneath the skin on the breasts and thighs.

2 In a small roasting pan, stir onions with paprika, salt, and 1/4 cup of water. Arrange chicken pieces in the pan. Cook chicken for about 10 minutes on 450°F, then lower the heat to 375°F and continue to cook an additional 30 minutes. Chicken is done when the internal temperature of the chicken reaches 175°F (use a meat thermometer), and the juices run clear when the thickest part of thigh is pierced with a knife. Note that breasts cook faster than the thighs, so you may want to take those out if done first, and let the thighs cook a few minutes longer.

3 Remove chicken pieces to a platter and let sit for 10 minutes. You may want to cut away the meat from the bones, and cut the chicken pieces into smaller pieces (entirely optional). Skim and discard fat from onion mixture in the pan. Add chicken broth to the onions. Placing the roasting pan on a stovetop burner, bring to boiling over medium heat, stirring to loosen the browned bits. Stir in sour cream. Serve chicken with onions spooned over it.


Look. I know you didn't need a recipe for delicious chicken... but I, I couldn't help myself.
I mean here I am in a place of my own (lacking in an actual kitchen) and all I wanted to do was make myself some delicious chicken.
EPIC FUCKING FAIL.
A) this isn't the chicken I tried to cook.
B) Lack of oven like apparatus (I have no oven to heat to 375, and I don't have a toaster oven either-- yet).
C) I only have a hot plate (yes, something you read in your dorm intro that you are explicitly forbade to have).

But now, you want to know what this has to do with relationships.
It has everything to do with relationships in an avant-garde over the top analogy kind of way.

Basically, I was not prepared for delicious chicken. Just as I was unprepared for the relationship I am in. Only, I am not complaining about the relationship. Just the lack of chicken.
See, chicken I know how to do. Relationships, I tend to faulter.

Especially this one.

I guess a little back story is needed here...
Just over a year ago I met my boyfriend. We became fast friends. In fact, I developed a crush on him specifically the night we we part of the filming of an art school film (Survived). But, upon developing the crush, I thought he was into another girl (my cousin-- she and I are almost attached at the hip). But still, I liked him. I liked hanging out with him. He was (and still is) the (second, to my best friend) most interesting person I know. I was completely fascinated by him. To this day, I don't think he knows how much I did (and still do) hang on his every word like some love-struck teenage girl.... Rather, I'm a love-struck 20-something. Back to the point, when we had met, I just moved back from California; and at that time, I did not want to be in a relationship with anyone. Inadvertently, this translated to not him. And ultimately he back away and I was violently pursued by another that I ended up dating. Upon that breakup, my current bf and I rekindled our friendship and finally started dating (and fell in love and are currently happily ever in the present, blahblahblah).

So, moral of the story, just like the chicken incident; I am completely ill prepared for this. But, I want it. I love it. And I am completely in love with it (mine and his relationship, not the chicken).

The Rules Are...

I used to have a developed set of rules I used to rely on when put in the situation of saying goodbye. Goodbye to an ex, btw, not a family member.

Rule 1.
Do NOT leave until he mentions 2 (AT LEAST) ex's. If you are 1000% sure you want to leave, mention 2 of your ex's, then see what happens. (Sparks fly, maybe even some dishes). Eventually you will be out the door.

Rule 2.
Once you decide to go, say ONLY nice things about him to your friends, his friends. Say the things you KNOW they will repeat later.
*REMINDER* Do not fuck his friends. Just don't. It doesn't matter that there is the one who knows just as much about you as he did and always brought you a drink too. He WILL take advantage; odds are he has already called. Oh sure, revenge would be sweet (if you are leaving because the boy in question has done something worth of a friend fuck), but remember, if you make this FATAL move; YOUR friends will be (if they aren't already) on his radar. And unless they are crazy faithful to you or you run with skanks... well... you get the picture.

Rule 3.
Leave things. Yes, leave things. If you have a relationship where you stay over frequently and/or live together leave things. IF YOU DO NOT: do not leave things (this makes it really creepy). Leave your hairbands, leave your travel toothbrush, leave leave that brand of mustard you love and all those leftover packets of soy sauce. Trust, he will be too lazy to get rid of them. And yes, he will think of you when he sees them. AND yes, the next round of girls will ask as well.

Rule 6.
If you HAVE to say something mean. Or you are totally provoked. Say the mean things with such tones of sweetness. That same one you use to tell him he looks great (when he really does) or how much you care about him. THINK: fuck you must ring like I love you.

Rule 7.
Make sure the last time he sees you is in the morning. All normal and life is grand. Bacon and eggs, sure. Newspaper, why not. Keep it normal. But once he leaves for work/school/whatever when you say goodbye to eachother say it like you do every day. Give him that reassuring kiss. This usually goes over well, until he comes back... then BAM, talk about impact.

Rule 8.
Leave a note. A simple one page or less note. DO NOT sign your name. ps, use nice paper, not a post-it or a scrap.

Rule 9.
DO NOT CALL A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER. Call a taxi, drive yourself anything but a friend or family member.

Rule 10.
Once out of any shared space and into your space. Cry. Cry quietly and politely. DO NOT CRY LIKE A DYING ANIMAL. DO NOT. It wont make you feel better. You will end up hoarse. And then people will ask if you are ok... which will only bring on another round of sobs.



Oh sure, maybe these rules are not the nicest way to end a relationship. But how else do you preserve yourself?
Or better yet... What do you do when you realize these rules not longer apply because the are childish, hurtful and useless.
OR
What about when you realize, they just don't apply.

The Longest Day EVER

I am convinced that this past week has been the longest week.
I have gone too long without seeing my boyfriend. Ok, in all reality, a week is not that long. It is, by definition, last I checked; a while.
And really a week is not that long to be away from someone... I mean, I have been away from my family WAY longer than that. I have been away from my best friend for way longer to that.

But it is this uninterrupted time apart; I have caught myself doing things and thinking of things I wouldn't normally do... such as:

- think about the man in question... a lot. all the time.
- try overwhelmingly hard to convince him to come here.
- be serious about trying to convince him to come here.
- spend a chunk of change at VS for him.... I mean me.
- have Twilight-esque fantasies about he and I.
- actually began wondering what he would think about memyclothesmyitunesmyeverything
- printed a picture i took of him and left it by my desk (because that is exactly where I spent about 14hours the past week.
- a laundry list of dirty thoughts and considerations of dirty deeds (done dirt cheap aka free)

So, here I am.
Scribbling this out, not sure if he know just how much I have missed him and can't wait to see him. I mean sure, I have told him (in very generic ways) but... well... now it's time to pull out the big guns (all puns intended) and show him.

No, there will not be pictures posted as a follow up.

I'm Sensitive, Dammit.

I'm more sensitive than I let on.
I perfer to appear stong, steadfast even stoic, before I let my emotions get the best of me.
I process through my emotions before I do or say anything; making sure the emotions are justified and coming from the right place.
However, in doing this... I don't think my actual sensitivity shows. Maybe I am too busy processing my emotions to fully feel then, let alone, say anything about them.

In previous relationships, I was made to feel like I was crazy for having feelings and/or ever saying anything about them.
I realize (and have know for awhile) that the man I am with, is nothing like those boys. He cares more about my comfort, my thoughts, my feelings and the expression there of, so much more than (almost) anyone I know.
Yet, I still find it hard talk to him about my concers/worries/fears. Even when I know my feelings/fears etc are justified.
I think I am afraid of the reaction the feelings would generate... When, I don't want a reaction. I want to be heard.

There is no time like the present.... Right?

The Importance of Sea Otters & Sailor Jerry

So. These two things don't go together, that's what you're thinking. And they don't. But thanks to a certain sailor and a certain challange these two came together in a mess. A mess that I am still trying to make sense of and make better (idk if it can be made better... But maybe less worse).

What I remember:
An interesting afternoon. A stop at the liquor store. A stop at blockbuster. A stop at walmart. Back home. Watching an Alfred Hitchock movie. A stop at mcdonalds for dnner. Watching Failure to Launch. A channel change to Leno. The sea otter appears. The drinking commences. Watching Beerfest. Insert huge unknown gap of blackout time where I am functioning but have no idea what I am doing but keep drinking. Needing to vomit and persuaded to do so by my boyfriend. Kick him out of the bathroom saying "I don't need you to hold my hair back, I have a hairtie.". I am now vomiting, and completely ashamed.
BUT it keeps going.
Insert another blackout where idk how long I've been in the bathroom. Suddenly, am now on bathroom floor talking with my boyfriend. Insert another blackout. Suddenly I am face to face with my boyfriend telling him how much he and his happiness mean to me. Insert another blackoutm. And lastly, waking up at 830am very confused.

How I Feel:
Like crap. Like total crap and completely undeserving of the man I am lucky to be with. I hate that I can't recall a single word he said. I can see his lips moving but can't hear the words. I hate that I can't recall what started all this; however, he did tell me pieces of it. I hate, that I let myself get so out of hand drinking, emotionally and stomachally.

All day, I have been thinking of how to correct what I've unknowingly done. Because, I know me and I know how I can be when I'm that drunk. And he doesn't deserve to have that unleashed on him. And with what I've been thinking and feeling... I don't know where he is or how he is feeling about this.

But for now... I am a lonely female sea otter. Who is never going to drink 4/5ths of a bottle of Sailor Jerry.

Make a Move

Just a reminder this is ALL from my point of view. It is no reflection of my Swiss counterpart.

That being said....

I did the one thing you are not supposed to do when you find that person that you feel you shouldn't go without.
I moved away.
It's sad... In away. I moved, because I am sure that it is what is best, for now in the long run, for me. Is it best mine and his relationship? I'm not sure.
True, he and I have spent nearly everyday together up until recently... And even in our short time apart I know I missed him... Ok, I more than missed him, I really missed him; I really hated being away from him.
But again, this move I made was best for me. I think...
I hated my previous job, and this new one came along but required a move. So, thinking rather selfishly, for once; I took it. I discussed it with him, my faimly and some friends... And no one disagreed. Everyone, for once, wanted what was best for me.
Which, by the by is one of the best feelings I ever had from a group of people.
And admittedly, once he ges back to Switzerland... Just, this time away from him is like seperation bootcamp. I will come out more prepared for his leaving? And our relationship will be stronger, right?
So here it is two weeks into my new job and my move. My home is coming together. And I miss him like crazy. Everyday.

Greetings!

The most simple way to start this off, is by introductions and a little back story.

Me:
Female, 25, college graduate, currently employed, about to venture out on my own (again)

Him:
Male, 27, soon to be college graduate, Swiss born and raised (Americanized for 13 or so years), about to leave the country in Jan. to head back to Switzerland.

Us:
Dating since July, spend tons of time together, way too much in common, kinda nerdy, pretty complicated.

That being said... Hopefully you get the picture of the set up. And thus we can continue on to the next step... ADVENTURES.